R & R
by Mr. KC
Summary: It's time for a break on the Citadel for Shepard and her crew after taking care of the Collectors.  But things start to spiral out of control on the Normandy once they return, getting Shepard caught up in the whirlwind of madness on board.


Author's Note: Well, it's my second fanfic! Woo hoo! *throws streamers around* Ahem... Well, before I start, I'd just like to thank WolverinesDarlin' for her review of my first story. It was really great to hear that people (at least some) actually liked it!

* * *

Shepard was standing as still as a statue at the galaxy map of the Normandy, trying to focus on anything as a distraction. Beside her was Kelly, seeming to have a difficult time remaining there. She was standing slightly hunched over, her hands clamped over her mouth and nose, as if she was trying not to vomit. Crew members stationed around the room often shifted in their seats, and occasionally one had to jump to his feet to run to Jacob's room, where they'd set up a large trash can. _Jacob can't like that much,_ Shepard thought. The Normandy was moving at full speed toward the Citadel, but Shepard was getting very impatient. Her tensed up muscles started twitching to complain, only irritating her further. She couldn't take it anymore. She gripped the railing in anger, now furious and about to lose her temper.

"EDI?" Shepard asked, trying to control her tone.

"Yes, Shepard?" EDI responded.

"How long till we reach the Citadel? Please… tell me we'll be there soon?" Shepard's voice quivered as she said that, as if she might lose it at any moment.

"ETA 1 hour 30 minutes, Shepard. And I'm sorry," EDI said, knowing why Shepard was so impatient, "but Legion will not be able to work on the air scrubbers until we reach the Citadel. Access to them is restricted while in transit."

Shepard exploded. "How exactly do the air scrubbers 'break,' anyway? They're meant to CLEAN THE AIR! What if they broke while the Normandy was filled with poison gas, or something? Which I'm not convinced this isn't, by the way."

EDI responded in a slow, almost condescending tone. "Shepard, you turned them up to full blast. Then you ordered me to divert power from non-critical systems into the air scrubbers. Then you ordered me to divert power from critical systems into the air scrubbers. Much of the bottom deck is still uninhabitable at this moment, and atmosphere will only be fully restored to it upon docking. Zaeed is still crying in Kasumi's room from being separated from 'Jessie,' and Crewman Daniels almost didn't get out before the room sealed. They broke from overuse, Shepard, and now you just have to deal with it."

Shepard shook with rage. "New rule, everybody!" she shouted over the intercom. "Whenever Grunt eats that weird looking food from Tuchanka again, we drop him off on an asteroid to do his business and hurl the asteroid into the nearest star. He is banned from using the restrooms on the Normandy. If anyone violates this rule, I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!" she screamed, unable to control her temper anymore.

"This is all your fault, krogan! The flusher is not to be used again if the toilet is clogged, you primitive dinosaur! You flooded the whole damn bathroom! And that smell… ugh, how does that happen naturally? It's gonna rot my damn face off! Now you listen to me, and you listen good, if you EVER do something like this again, I'll rip your head plates off one by one! I'll slice your tiny tail off and whack you with it until you go unconscious! I'll force you into a pool of Thresher Maw acid and drop some bombs in it! I'll…"

Kelly grabbed her shoulder, shaking her. Kelly's eyes were wide, frightened by Shepard's sudden mood swing. She opened her mouth, about to speak, but suddenly closed it, clutching her face, and ran to Jacob's room. Shepard couldn't take it anymore and finally did the same.

* * *

One and a half grueling hours later, the Normandy pulled in to a berth in a Citadel docking bay. The group had already been en route to the Citadel to relax and celebrate after beating the Collectors when Grunt's problem happened. It was a mad dash for everyone to exit the ship after landing. Jack was pushing everyone out of her way with her biotics. Zaeed charged into a mass of people, shoving Jacob to the floor as he rushed to the door. Kasumi was still, somehow, the first to exit, even though no one actually saw her in the crowd. Everyone else eventually managed to make it out, Jacob last, holding his left arm close to him. Legion stayed behind to repair the air scrubbers. He had already fixed the toilet, which Rupert was very grateful for; since he didn't need to breathe, he was the obvious choice to do the repairs. Tali complained at first, but even her suit's scrubbers didn't fully block the smell, so she quickly agreed to whatever fixed the problem fastest.

"Samara, do you always have to wear those stilettos?" Jacob asked, pointing to several puncture marks on his arm.

No one was listening. They were all taking in gulps of air as if they had never breathed before. Shepard's mood immediately brightened as she wrapped her arm around Garrus and started talking as the crowd walked toward customs. "Okay, now that that's done with, time for some fun! I was thinking we could go shopping in the wards. We could visit Morlan's famous shop, and see what trinkets they have at the souvenir shop. Oh, and I heard that the demael flowers by the Conduit are really pretty, and I haven't really explored the Presidium in a long while. And we've gotta see Dr. Michel! She really wanted the two of us to visit after we helped her." She turned to everyone else. "What are you gonna do?"

The crowd stopped and everyone else looked uneasy. In a chorus of voices, they finally responded, "Consort."

Shepard looked out at the crowd before her. She was shocked at some of the people who had responded. "Miranda? Samara?" Samara didn't meet Shepard gaze and Miranda blushed. "Tali! You?" Shepard couldn't see very much through Tali's faceplate, but she guessed she was blushing as well. "DR. CHAKWAS?" The doctor cleared her throat and backed further into the crowd.

"Hey, Ms. Judgmental, I believe I heard that you had your own little 'experience' with the Consort, didn't you?" Jack asked, putting Shepard on the spot. Shepard averted her eyes. "Besides, she's got a going-out-of-business sale going on right now. It's awesome! She's so cheap, even I can afford her now! I hear she's giving some good group rates, too." After she said that, Shepard could swear that Kasumi was a couple of feet closer to Jacob than she had been a few seconds ago.

Shepard looked at Garrus. "Well, we'll be having our own fun. Maybe we'll visit Sha'ira just to say hi, but we don't need to have that kind of 'fun' to have our own fun. Right, Garrus?"

Garrus didn't respond; he looked forlorn, like he was regretting not joining the others.

"RIGHT, Garrus?" Shepard's face hardened and she emitted a glare that made Garrus fear for his life.

"Uh, right, honey…" Garrus responded, partly due to self-preservation.

Shepard smiled a glowing, peaceful smile back at him. "Good! This'll be great for all of us. Also, I rented us all rooms at this nice hotel on the Presidium since, well, no one can possibly stay on the ship tonight. It's run by this elcor couple and it's REALLY luxurious. I think they're showing Hamlet tonight, too." The crowd grumbled a bit and left as one, likely to Sha'ira's office. Only Jacob lingered with Kasumi staying by him. Shepard grabbed Garrus's arm and dragged him to the nearby transport terminal. Garrus seemed to sigh and shudder as she led him away. Jacob watched them leave and shook his head, laughing slightly.

"Poor guy. I think I may have dodged a bullet with that one."

A pop rang out and Jacob's eyes widened as he fell to the floor and yelled.

"Auuuuggghhh! My leg! I'm hit!"

A couple of dockworkers were standing about 50 feet away. They seemed to be doing target practice on some dishes they had; one threw them up and the other shattered them with his gun. The shooter was lying on the ground; apparently, he slipped and his gun fired when it hit the ground. He got up and waved to Jacob.

"Uh, sorry!"

The other worker shook his head. "What is it with you turians and shooting things? I told you this would end up bad! Come on, let's get out of here before we get yelled at."

The two ran off, leaving the dishes behind. Jacob stared after them. "Hey, wait, don't just leave like that! Hey! You shot me, you little…! Hey! _Ohhhhhhh…_ Kasumi, could you… Kasumi?"

Kasumi was over at the dishes the two had left behind. She seemed to be examining them and pocketing the ones that she liked. Which was all of them. "Look at these!" she called out to Jacob, running over with her haul. "They've got gold fashioned in them. Lots of gold!" She turned one of the plates over. "Huh. _D. Udina_. Wonder how those two got their hands on these? Maybe I could use a couple of assistants…" Jacob was tugging on her hood. She turned to him. He was kneeling on the floor clutching his leg in pain. "Oh, right. You." She held out her omni-tool and applied some medi-gel to Jacob's leg. "Now let's go, already. Or we'll have to wait until everyone else is done!" She pulled him away and threw her cloaking field over the two of them as they headed out.

* * *

The two dockworkers from earlier were walking by the ships making a delivery that afternoon. The turian was pushing a large handtruck with an enormous canister on it. The human was walking in front of him, glancing up at the names of the ships as they passed.

"Why am I the only one pushing?" the turian asked.

The human turned his head to face him. "Because you're the one who shot someone, duh," he responded.

"Hey, don't act so innocent, you were there, too!"

"Well, I'm also not the one who grabbed some dishes that we were supposed to deliver to Councilor Udina_. Councilor Udina. _ Do you really think he won't notice? And he's already not a huge fan of turians, you know."

"It was **your** idea to go rooting around in other people's deliveries!"

"I didn't mean the damn Councilor's deliveries!"

"I don't care, this is your fault too! Help push, this thing is damn heavy!"

The human gave the turian a smug smirk. "But I'm not the one having an affair with the boss's girlfriend, either, now am I?"

The turian glared at him with wide eyes. "You… Don't you dare…"

"Because we both know what'll happen if I tell him. Krogan don't need much of an excuse to want to rip a turian's head fringe things off with a pair of pliers, anyway.

The turian looked down, bitterly resigned to continue pushing alone. "Fine. But you gotta admit, she is one fine quarian, isn't she?"

The human frowned and rolled his eyes. "How exactly would I know?" Anyway, keep looking, we're almost there. The ship's supposed to be docked in berth 16."

"What's it called, again?"

"It's called… oh, shoot, it's…"

"Don't you have the sheet that says?"

"I left it with the dishes when we ran away. Then I went back when you grabbed this thing, and it was all gone! I couldn't find it anywhere!"

The turian rolled his eyes. "Well, what do we do now? You sure you don't remember?"

The human closed his eyes, trying to concentrate. "Norm… something. Anyway, I'd remember it if I saw it again."

The two arrived at berth 16 to find it empty. "Just perfect," the turian said.

The human frowned. "Boss said it would be here now. Maybe it's… Ah! That's it! Normandy! That's it, I'm sure!" He ran ahead to berth 20, where the Normandy was docked. Its cargo door was already open.

The turian rolled the handtruck into the opening. He was in the Normandy's hangar, trying to find somewhere to store this canister. He started coughing. "Jeez! Did you let one rip or something?"

The human seemed to be having as hard a time being there as him. He had his hand covering his face. "Hang on, we've still gotta get someone to sign this. I'll look." He saw something flickering in the corner of his eye and walked toward it. He saw the silhouette of someone performing maintenance in a panel in the corner. Sparks were flying all around him. The human approached. "Uh, excuse me?" His voice sounded quiet and nasal because he refused to let go of his nose, holding out a datapad with his other hand.

"Legion, we have company," he heard a voice say. He looked around for someone else but he couldn't see anyone.

"2.8 minutes, please. Repairs are nearly completed," the silhouette said. The worker looked around impatiently. He was ready to leave this gas chamber. _Man, this is some NICE ship!_ he thought, looking at Shepard's vehicles sitting nearby. The giant canister approached him from behind, his turian companion completely hidden behind it. The sparks stopped and he heard a slight whirr as what sounded like fans began blowing throughout the ship. "Excellent. Air scrubbers are working at minimal capacity and gas buildup will be removed within 6 hours 47 minutes 23 seconds. EDI, we will now place a lock on the scrubbers. It will automatically shut them off when gas is removed and prevent them from starting again. Accidental damage of air scrubbers from overuse so soon after repair is quite probable. After shutdown, we recommend not running them again for 23 hours 45 minutes 37 seconds."

"Keep them off for a day, I understand, Legion," EDI responded. _They sound so… robotic. Where the hell am I?_ the worker thought. Legion got up and turned around to look at him.

The worker's eyes widened to the size of golf balls and his mouth opened in a gigantic O. He screamed loudly and threw his datapad at Legion. He missed completely and the datapad smacked into the wall behind Legion and fell to the floor.

"What? What is it?" the turian yelled, poking his head out from behind the canister.

"Geth! Geth on the ship! I'm from Eden Prime! I know what they do! RUN!"

"Oh, chill out already," the turian responded, giving Legion a once over. "It's not unheard of for people to have disabled geth as decorations, or trophies, or whatever. It's a pretty common thing, actually. Like my cousin at Rodam Expeditions…"

"It's alive, you idiot! Hurry! Get out!"

"We request a reduction in the decibel level coming from the human. It is beginning to overtax our auditory sensors. We would also like to inquire as to your purpose here." Legion said.

The turian started shaking. He began screaming as well and pushed the handtruck at Legion as hard as he could. Legion held out his arms and tried to set his feet to catch it, but his foot lost traction on the floor and he fell to the ground. The handtruck continued rolling toward him as the cylinder fell forward out of it. It whacked Legion in the head, knocking him out, and rolled a little ways away on the floor.

The human was already off the ship, waving for the turian to follow. "Awesome!" he called out. "Now get out here, before it wakes up! We've gotta hide!" The turian sprinted to the cargo bay door and left the Normandy. He reached the human, and the two of them ran as fast as they could down past the long line of ships and out of the docking bay.

* * *

The next morning, the crew of the Normandy all returned to the ship to leave the Citadel. Shepard stormed in front wearing a breathing mask, her face a visage of pure rage. Everyone else seemed to be trying to keep their distance, especially Jacob, who had both his left arm and right leg wrapped up from the day before and was also holding an ice pack up to his right eye, which was now greatly swollen. Shepard charged into the ship first as the rest of the crew gradually filled in behind her. "Well, I'm glad I left the doors open to vent the place… God, I sound like a volus," she said, her voice sounding very nasal and requiring her to take many breaths in a sentence. "You just have to ruin everything, don't you, Jacob?"

Jacob refused to speak or look in her direction, seeming to be on the verge of tears.

"Well, maybe next time you'll remember that if you stick a miniature cherry bomb in your drunk, sleeping commander's nose, SHE WON'T ALWAYS NOTICE IT!" She had to yell at Jacob for this, even though it felt like someone was stabbing her face as she did so. She would have to have Dr. Chakwas or Mordin try to do something about it later, but right now all three of them were too hung over to do any good. She sighed, turning to Joker as he sat down in the pilot's chair. "Joker, take us… somewhere. How 'bout Hagalaz? Liara said she wanted to have a party at her place sometime. I'll be asleep in my cabin. And EDI, I am ordering you to not bother me until I wake up. Garrus can deal with whatever you would need me for." Miranda looked annoyed by this last sentence. She had always deluded herself into believing that she was Shepard's right-hand woman and hated being reminded that she wasn't.

"Shepard, there's…" EDI began.

"EDI! Tell it to someone else!" Shepard said, trying to remain calm to mitigate the pain. "My head and face hurt like hell and it's hard to breathe. Sleep will help stop that temporarily. Unless the Normandy is about to go down in flames, I don't wanna hear about it."

"… Yes, Shepard," EDI said.

Shepard took the elevator up, glad to be away from everyone right now. She plopped down on her bed and shut her eyes. She was remarkably sleepy for it only being 9:43, and she soon fell asleep, happy to be free of responsibilities, at least for right now.

Shepard woke up and looked at her bedside clock. 18:12. _Great, now I'll be awake all night,_ she thought. She walked to the elevator, never having changed clothes from the night before and not caring, and pushed the button to go to the CIC. She wanted to see Mordin to see if he could do anything to help her face. As the elevator doors opened, Shepard was greeted to a strange sight. Several crewmen were arranged around the projector that displayed the galaxy map and the hologram of the Normandy. Instead of those, however, large screens were shown on all sides showing some sort of video.

A cackling laugh rang out. "Ha ha ha, that bitch got OWNED!"

Shepard flinched in surprise as she looked for that message's originator. She thought she recognized the voice, but… Then she saw him standing to the right, leaning up on the railing. Mordin was watching the video intently, often cracking up in his horrible, cackling laugh. She'd never heard him laugh before, and she was now grateful for that. Mordin spotted her and waved her over.

"Yo, Shepard! Glad you're here! You have GOT to see this!" Mordin seemed so… laid back this evening. He was normally all business, speaking very properly and rapidly, and constantly focusing on his little experiments and research. Now he was just staring at Shepard with a large, goofy grin on his face, finding it hard to not laugh even right now. Shepard walked over to him.

"Okay, you ever been to this site before? It's called TuriTube, it's this turian video site based out of Palaven. You've gotta see this one, it's hilarious! Just… just wait till the blindfolded one finds out she's… she… oh, you'll see!" Mordin almost couldn't contain his excitement. He pointed to the screen. One turian had a blindfold on while two other turians were holding her arms to guide her. They took her over to a krogan who was sitting down, a huge smile on his face.

"They told her to feel around this 'object' and try to guess what it was by its touch," Mordin piped in. The turian in the video placed her hand on the krogan's leg. The krogan forced his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing as the other turians did the same. The blindfolded turian cocked her head and her cheeks fluttered in confusion. She reached out with her other hand and raised them both higher, feeling up the krogan's chest and eventually settling them both on the his face. He was clearly working hard to stifle his laughs and not move a muscle, lest she detect any motion in the "object." She rubbed her hands over his face, poking it with her talons to feel for hardness, trying to deduce what it was.

She finally just shrugged and shook her head, removing the blindfold. The krogan smiled up at her with a large, toothy grin. The turian's eyes widened and she clamped her hands over her mouth as she ran away in embarassment, the other three falling over with laughter as she ran. Mordin also doubled over with laughter.

"Hahahahahahah! That never gets old! Wasn't that awesome?" he said. The rest of the crewmen were also laughing at the video, though no one was laughing as hard as Mordin. Shepard chuckled a bit, partly to humor him, when she tried to change the subject.

"So, that was a female turian? It looked just like a male one. How can you even tell the difference?"

Mordin wiped tears out of his eyes. "Oh, there's little subtle things to look for. The length of the head fringe, the size of the hips. Or you could just take their pants off, but that might not be a good option all the time. It's not like this is the first female turian you've met, though, Shepard. Councilor Velarn, for one."

Shepard stared at Mordin. She blinked once. "Um, the turian councilor? Is a… woman? But she sounds just like…"

"Oh, turians all have really similar sounding voices. Not like you humans. Velarn was actually highly acclaimed for being the first female turian on the Council. You'd really never heard that?"

"No, I hadn't…" Shepard tried to think back to all the times she'd spoken to the Council or heard them referenced. Had anyone ever referred to the turian councilor as a "she" or "her?" She couldn't remember. Finally, she just forced it into the back of her mind, remembering what she'd come down here for in the first place. "By the way, Mordin, could you…"

"Hang on, Shepard," he responded. "Check out this video. It's got these turians trying to…"

"Mordin, I really need help. My face is still killing me. Please, doctor, do something."

Mordin shrugged. "Go to the med bay. Chakwas would probably be better at it than me." With that, he turned back to the screen, shortly to begin his cackling laughter again. Shepard wanted to be far away when he did. She went to the elevator and pushed the button for the crew quarters. Another loud cackle rang out as the door shut.

The door opened at the next floor and Shepard was immediately struck by the loud dance music blaring from somewhere behind her. The Normandy was very soundproof, so she didn't hear it upstairs, but it was almost too much to bear down here. She was about to walk out of the elevator when she saw Kasumi running past, Zaeed chasing her.

"Get back 'ere!" he shouted at her.

Kasumi just lobbed a flashbang grenade at him. "Gift for you!" she shouted at him. Shepard shielded her eyes as it exploded and Zaeed yelled in pain and ran into a wall. Kasumi engaged her stealth system and vanished. Zaeed got up and stomped off somewhere else.

Shepard shook her head. _The whole ship is absolutely NUTS today! _she thought as she headed for the main area. The music was still blaring loudly. All the tables had been pushed up to the sides of the wall and the whole floor was a giant dance floor, full of bodies. Ken was in the middle, alternating grinding his hips against Gabby and Dr. Chakwas. Jack was standing nearby raiding the refrigerator. Joker was sitting down in a chair nearby, only moving his arms to the music.

"Joker!" Shepard yelled as loud as she could. Her face hated her for that. It felt like she was cutting her nose off with a dull knife when she yelled. Still, she caught his attention enough that he looked up at her. She got down close to his ear so she wouldn't have to yell. "I thought I said to take us to Hagalaz!"

Joker gestured toward the dancers. "Shepard, we got there hours ago. Look!"

He pointed directly at one person on the dance floor. "Liara?" Shepard asked incredulously. Liara actually seemed to be the best dancer there. Everyone else made a circle around her, letting her have the floor as she tore it up. Shepard realized that she wouldn't get any help here and she went to the med bay to see if she could do anything herself.

The med bay was also in disarray. The beds and desks had all been shoved to one side of the room to clear the floor. The dance music had been largely blocked by the insulating walls and classical music was playing loudly in this room. Grunt and Kelly were ballroom dancing in the middle of the floor.

Shepard quickly got distracted and watched them for a long time, amazed by Grunt's grace on the dance floor. He swung Kelly around and lifted her in difficult poses like a professional. Their roles then reversed and Shepard watched as Kelly was then the one to lift Grunt, which she was miraculously able to do. Shepard was mesmerized by their performance, and when they finished, she clapped loudly for them. They both looked at her and smiled. Shepard looked out the window and saw that the dance floor had dispersed. She looked around the floor for Dr. Chakwas, but she seemed to have disappeared. Shepard walked out and started to search for her.

She walked into Miranda's office to find what looked like the aftermath of a tornado. Clothes were strewn about everywhere and more were flying out in a flurry. She saw someone digging in Miranda's closet and chest of drawers in the back of the room. Shepard walked there. "Hello?" she asked. "Miranda?"

The flurry stopped and Rupert stood up and turned around to face Shepard. He was wearing one of Miranda's black bras and short skirts and had some of her bright red lipstick smeared messily on his lips. He had a fistful of Miranda's Cerberus outfits in one hand and some of her lingerie in the other. He scowled at Shepard. "Get out!" he yelled. "I'm still getting ready! You don't just walk in when I'm getting dressed! Out! NOW!" He stormed toward Shepard to remove her from the room. Shepard backed out quickly and the door closed. Shepard could only blink rapidly, still quite shaken from what she'd just seen. _No Dr. Chakwas there,_ she thought and turned around to check out another room. She walked straight into Garrus walking toward her.

"Garrus!" Shepard said with excitement. "Thank God! Everyone's gone crazy, I'm getting worried!" She thrust her arms around him. Garrus seemed in a daze, like he wasn't sure what he should be doing or what he wanted to do. "Have you seen Dr. Chakwas? I need her to take a look at my face. 'Cause I don't wanna; I'm very glad I can't see what it looks like behind this mask." Garrus shook his head, saying nothing. "Well, come help me find her, then! Come on, let's check Samara's room."

Shepard led the way to the observation deck where Samara liked to stay. "Now, you have been a naughty girl, haven't you, Ms. Lawson?" she heard a voice ask as the door opened. Miranda was on all fours in the middle of the room as Samara slowly circled her speaking softly. Miranda nodded her head. A gag was in her mouth. "My code cannot abide that. All wrongdoers must be punished for their transgressions. Are you ready for your punishment?" Shepard's eyes widened and she prepared to separate them before Samara hurt Miranda. But then, Miranda smiled and nodded her head quickly. Samara smiled back and pulled out a thin leather whip. "Good." She pushed up Miranda's shirt, revealing her bare back.

Shepard ran down the hall as quickly as she could, dragging Garrus with her. Garrus seemed to be trying hard to see what was happening behind the door just as it closed. Right before it did, Shepard heard a loud crack and a groan. "Okay, this evening started out fine. Now, it's just getting way too damn creepy. I'm not just opening any more doors. God knows what the hell I'd find behind it." Just then, Shepard got an idea. "EDI? Where's Dr. Chakwas?" She waited but didn't hear a response. "EDI? Hello? I'm awake now, you're allowed to bother me again. EDI?" She still didn't get a response from EDI. Shepard was getting very frustrated now. She probably didn't want to know what Dr. Chakwas was up to anyway, considering what she was doing on the dance floor with Ken. "That's it, I'm just going back to my room. And you're coming, since we're clearly the only sane ones left in this nuthouse." She entered the elevator, still dragging Garrus along with her like he was in a trance, refusing to move himself.

The elevator arrived at Shepard's cabin. Shepard felt so wound up from the short time she'd been awake this evening. She started walking to her door. "Well, there's no way in hell I'll get to sleep now, so we'll just sit, I guess, maybe play some Skyllian Five… eurkkkhhh!" She shrieked and brought her hands up to her face so quickly she hurt herself. Her face complained to her with pain. She had a visitor waiting for her in her cabin. Thane was lying on his side on her bed, propping his head up on his elbow. He was wearing nothing but a black thong. Judging from the orange Cerberus emblem embroidered in the middle of it, Shepard guessed that it was also Miranda's.

"Shepard. I'm a lonely man," Thane began. Shepard didn't move her hands an inch from her eyes. "I haven't been with a woman since Irikah. Sometimes, I just really need another in my life. Like now. Like you." Thane traced small circles on the bed with his finger. Shepard still refused to move her hands to see what he might be doing.

"Thane, I…" Shepard was completely at a loss as to what to say. "I'm with Garrus, Thane! And he's standing right here, for… for Amonkira's sake!"

Thane shrugged. "It's a big bed. I think there's room for one more." Shepard felt her face getting hotter in her hands. It started glowing bright red. She opened her mouth several times only to close it again. She was not sure at all how to address this.

"… Garrus, don't you ever have anything to say anymore?" Shepard hissed.

Garrus continued staring at Thane and shrugged. "Do you want to?" he asked, finally breaking his strange silence.

Shepard finally removed her hands from her eyes to stare at Garrus like she'd never even met him before. Her eyes were wide and disbelieving. She blushed an even deeper hue of red and turned around to leave, dragging him with her. Thane frowned and puffed out his lower lip as they left. She got into the elevator again, on the next leg of her quest to find a spot of sanity on the Normandy. She pushed the button for Engineering. "Okay, we'll just find some dark corner and sit until this passes. Got it?"

Garrus nodded. The elevator continued downward until it abruptly stopped at the crew quarters. The door opened and Zaeed got on. He had a look on his face that clearly said, "Don't piss me off right now." Shepard heard Jacob's voice from the floor before the door closed. "Take a look at what I snagged from Shepard's room!" he called out. Shepard's eyes perked up at that and she quickly stopped the doors from closing and ran out of the elevator with Garrus. As she left, Kasumi appeared out of nowhere by the elevator door. She stole a glance and a smile through at Zaeed as the door closed and dropped a flashbang grenade in the elevator right as it did.

Zaeed's eyes widened. "Oh, son uv a…"

Shepard ran to where she heard Jacob yelling. He was standing by the stove while Jack was standing lined up with the long hallway to the main battery, in a battle-ready posture. "Sneaking into the commander's quarters!" Jacob yelled. "Heavy risk, but the prizes!"

"This is awesome, Jacob!" Jack yelled. "And here I thought you were dull as hell!"

Jacob smiled. "Well, if those idiots wanted so badly to do target practice with other people's stuff, I can too! Look here, it's Shepard's old helmet from where she died."

"Pull!" Jack yelled. Jacob tossed the helmet into the air and Jack blasted it with biotic energy. The helmet exploded into little pieces. Jack and Jacob howled with laughter. Shepard's jaw dropped to the floor.

"Next!" Jack called.

"Okay, we've got this weird metal ball thing that Shepard got from that Prothean site with the Firewalker."

"Let 'er rip!" Again, Jacob threw it up in the air and Jack blasted it with biotics. The ball reacted strangely to the biotics, though; it absorbed the energy and blasted down the hallway into the main battery door. It struck the door with such force that it shattered the door to pieces and launched further down into the battery. Two crewmen were currently in the middle of making out in the main battery when the door came crashing down around them. They both gasped and the girl started looking around nervously. Finally, she slapped the man and ran away. He chased after her holding his cheek.

"Huh… that was strange," Jack said. "Next!"

"This is nice, a picture of some guy. And look here on the frame. It says 'R.I.P. Kaidan' on it. Oh yeah, that's that guy that Shepard blew up."

"Who cares, just throw it so I can smash it!" Jack said.

"Okay!" Jacob threw the picture up, but before Jack could launch a biotic field at it, the picture stopped in midair in a bright blue ball of light. Jacob stared up at it in wonder when he turned to see Shepard stomping at him in fury. She punched him in his unswollen eye and threw him to the ground before walking under the picture to catch it when the stasis field wore off.

Jack shrugged. "Well, that was fun while it lasted. See ya, Shep." She ran off somewhere else. Shepard didn't care at this point, she just wanted to take her stuff back from Jacob. She looked at what else he'd stolen. Some model ships, the dog tags Liara had given her, and then she gasped. She pulled Jacob up by his collar.

"You… were going to blast my _hamster?_ Shepard questioned in rage.

Jacob couldn't make a coherent response. "Uhhhhhhh…" was all he could say. Shepard headbutted him and walked back to the elevator, having Garrus hold her things while she held the hamster cage. She was going to drop it all off at her room, but decided against it in case Thane was still there and ended up hiding everything in an empty footlocker in the crew's quarters.

She walked back to the elevator to continue to Engineering. When they arrived, Shepard heard a strange giggling. Shepard looked around but saw no one. "Did you hear that?" she asked Garrus. Garrus shrugged and shook his head, still seeming as listless as he had been all evening. The giggling got louder as she heard something drop to the floor in front of her. She looked down and picked up a tiny metal ball.

"Oh, shi…" The flashbang grenade exploded, blinding the both of them. Shepard heard the crashing of glass and Garrus yelling. When she could finally see again, she was kneeling on the floor on all fours while Garrus was hanging out the window above the garage, having stumbled through the window and catching himself. Shepard reached out to him. "Come on, Garrus, grab on."

Garrus started crying. "It's no use, Shepard. Save yourself!" Shepard was shocked by this sudden display of emotion. "I'm done for. It's all for the best, anyway. You were always too good for me. You'll find someone to make you happier than I ever could. I DIDN'T DESERVE YOU!" he screamed as waterfalls of tears gushed from his eyes.

Shepard gave a sad, surprised smile. "Oh, Garrus, you shouldn't…"

"But it's true! It's all true!" he cried in response. "I've just been thinking about it all day, how you're too good to be true, to be mine. If you wanted to do anything with Thane, I was willing to fully support it to make you happy. I'm willing to die to make you happy! I love you, Shepard! I loveyouloveyouloveyou...!" With that, he let go of the window frame and fell. Shepard looked down from the open window. "Oof!" he yelled as he hit a pile of empty cardboard boxes that all of Miranda's outfits arrived in.

"You all right, Garrus?" Shepard called to him.

"Shepard… Shepard…" Garrus called quietly. "I love you…I…" Shepard rolled her eyes and smiled. The whole Normandy crew except her may be crazy, but at least Garrus was sweet crazy. She walked toward the engine core to see if she could find a place to hide, mindful of any possible flashbang grenade traps.

"Oh, keelah, would you keep quiet already?" Shepard heard voices from below, in Jack's room.

"Quarters in this area of the ship are quite tight as it is. We would request creator Tali'Zorah to not complain to avoid breeding contention."

"There's already plenty of contention between us, you bosh'tet! And of course the only sane place on the Normandy is with you!"

Shepard walked in to see Legion and Tali sitting across from each other. Tali had her arms crossed and her faceplate seemed to be redder than usual. Tali's eyes lit up with wariness and fear when Shepard walked in.

"Don't get any closer!" she yelled. "Everyone's gone absolutely insane except for me and _it,_" she said scornfully, gesturing toward Legion. "You need to leave right now, or I'll have to…"

Shepard interrupted. "Calm down, Tali, I'm just down here looking for a safe space, too. At least I'm not the only sane one around here."

Tali relaxed. "Oh, keelah se'lai, another sane one! Besides the geth! I've been wondering what the hell is going on all day!"

"What happened?" Shepard asked.

"Well, after you went for a nap," Tali began, "we headed out for Hagalaz. Everything was fine for an hour or two, then people suddenly started acting more… rambunctious, I guess you could say. It soon degraded into complete pandemonium. They turned the CIC into a theater, they turned the crew quarters into a dance floor, it was crazy. Then when we got to Hagalaz, Liara came aboard. She seemed as scared as me when she boarded, but after just a few minutes she joined the crazies. I just came back here to find a quiet spot when I found _it,_" she again gestured to Legion scornfully, "already here in hiding. I've been down here for 6 hours, Shepard. I'm hungry, sleepy, and pissed off!"

"What exactly got you so mad?" Shepard asked.

Tali looked away. Even though Shepard couldn't see behind the faceplate, she guess Tali was scowling. "Well, I was in the bathroom, getting ready to take my weekly shower. The door was locked and I was trying to tell EDI to make sure the air was completely purified when explosives suddenly poured out of the air duct!"

Shepard flinched. "Explosives? Wait, you don't mean Kasumi's flashbang grenades, do you? She's been doing that to everyone else all day."

Tali shook her head. "No, not her. She's actually left me alone all day. She's mostly been bugging Zaeed. It was those little cherry bombs, like the one that turned your face into a crater."

Shepard glared at Tali. Tali shrunk back closer to the wall. "Sorry, but that's what it looks like." Shepard glared harder at Tali until Legion piped in.

"We observed mercenary Zaeed Massani carrying an empty bag of cherry bombs earlier. He was laughing and saying that he 'understands why the thief thinks it's so funny to bomb people' and he 'felt bad for whoever was in the bathroom.'"

Tali stared at Legion. "Really? Well, why didn't you tell me this sooner?" she yelled. "You could have mentioned this earlier, you know."

"We were unaware that it was Creator hero Tali'Zorah that was in the bathroom. Otherwise, we would have taken correctional action immediately."

"Wait, what did you just call me?" Tali asked.

"Creator hero. You risked your life to save all other species from heretic and Old Machine threat. You were willing to be exiled from your home to protect the reputation of a deceased kin member. We are in consensus; we deem this heroic."

"Well, I…" Tali seemed at a loss for words. "I… oh, just stop talking, Legion, you make it far too difficult for me to hate you. Anyway, I need to find Zaeed."

"We believe he recently returned to this deck and is currently in his room."

"Thank you, Legion." Tali summoned her combat drone and walked upstairs. Shepard followed into the hallway to listen. Legion tagged along.

"Hello, Zaeed. Been playing with any explosives lately?"

"Eh? What do you want, girlie? I'm shining Jessie."

"I could have died, bosh'tet! I'm only alive because I still had my suit on!"

"Oh, were you the one in the bathroom? That was good, that was. And what's with that floating ball thing?"

"Chiktikka! Attack!"

Shepard heard a zap and Zaeed yelling. "Ow! Son uv a bitch!"

"Don't stop, Chiktikka! Go for the optics!"

"Call off your damn… OWW! Hey, give that back!"

"Oh, this? Isn't this your precious 'Jessie?' Looks like an old piece of junk to me. Good thing you're in the trash compactor room, isn't it?"

"Ohhhh, don't you dare… OWW! Get back, evil ball! And you, put that…" Shepard heard a loud snap. "JESSIE! DEAR GOD, NO! JESSIE!" Shepard entered Zaeed's room and saw his old assault rifle floating away outside the window in two pieces. Tali looked smug as her combat drone disappeared and she walked triumphantly back toward the engine room. Zaeed was glued to the window, watching his beloved gun disappear into the distance. He was crying loudly, yelling "JESSIE!" repeatedly. Shepard slowly backed out of the room. Legion cocked his head at her.

"Shepard-Commander."

Something about Legion caught Shepard's eye. She examined his head. There was a large dent in it. "Oh, Legion, what happened to you?"

"We do not remember. There has been some damage to our memory core. We were temporarily offline and came back online at 10:21 today. We explored the ship but found all on board to be of decreased mental function. We then went below engineering and stayed there until now."

Shepard frowned. "Well, that's strange. Oh, by the way, I just remembered. I have not been able to get in touch with EDI all day. Can you interface with the Normandy and find out what's up?"

"We can." Legion walked over to EDI's terminal overlooking the hangar and waved his hands over it. After a few seconds, he responded. "EDI is currently muted, on the order of acting commander Miranda Lawson while you formally relinquished duty as you slept."

"Acting… but I put Garrus in charge!"

"Officer Garrus Vakarian has been unresponsive all day. All attempts to elicit a response from him by EDI failed. Operative Miranda Lawson took charge by declaring him unfit to command."

"Well, why did she mute EDI?"

"She ordered EDI to mute because she did not want anyone to be disturbed. Doctor Mordin Solus was watching movies, a dance floor had been set up in the crew quarters, and she herself had special business with Justicar Samara." Shepard shuddered at that last part.

"Well, why didn't she respond when I asked her where Dr. Chakwas was?"

"Because you did not ask her to unmute herself."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "EDI, unmute already."

"Shepard, alert. Shepard, alert. Shepard, alert," EDI instantly responded.

"Calm yourself, EDI, what's up?"

* * *

*Meanwhile, back on the Citadel*

An elderly man walked up to the docking bay office and knocked on the door. He was wearing a white apron and had a surgical mask pulled down from his face. A krogan wearing large horn-rimmed glasses answered the door. "May I help you?"

The man flinched slightly, surprised by his greeter. "Um, I hope so. My name is Eugene Chazz, I was supposed to get my delivery about 18 hours ago. but it never came. I was wondering how to find out where it was. It was a large canister of THZ, if that helps."

The krogan sighed. "Come in," he gave a quick glance over the man's clothing, "doctor Chazz." The krogan walked over to a nearby table and picked up an earpiece. "GREENE! VERRALAN! Get your asses over here NOW!" Dr. Chazz sat down on a nearby couch. The krogan walked to a nearby coffee pot. "Want some?" he asked.

Dr. Chazz shrugged. "Yes, please. I'll probably need it. I've got so many patients lined up. A few humans, a couple of asari, a turian, a drell, even a krogan came in whining about his horrible toothache!" He chuckled as the krogan handed him his coffee. "I've never seen a krogan whine before. But that's why I need that shipment so desperately."

The krogan had sat down on a chair and was reading a newspaper. He looked at Dr. Chazz over his glasses. "True, it's not very common. So many of my kind today have such staunch ideas of Darwinism that there's little room to show any sort of need to anybody. I don't understand why they all make it so hard for the rest of us. Talk about propagating stereotypes. Not all krogan want nothing more than to kill all we can."

He was interrupted by a quarian walking into the room from a nearby storeroom. She had a jade green faceplate and cocked her head at Dr. Chazz. He could swear she was winking at him. "Oh, by the way, my name is Kreggs," the krogan said. "This is my girlfriend, Lua'Retta nar Qwib Qwib.

"And I hate when people add that last part," she interrupted. "It sounds ridiculous. Just call me Lua. Or Lu," she said to Dr. Chazz.

Kreggs was getting visibly impatient. "Where are those two?" Soon after he spoke, the three heard a commotion outside. There was whispering behind the door and it suddenly burst open. The turian and human dockworkers rushed in the door and slammed it shut behind them.

"Boss!" the human yelled, embracing Kreggs. "You're safe!" Kreggs was taken aback. He certainly was not expecting _this_ sort of welcome.

"Lu!" the turian exclaimed, hugging the quarian. "You're safe, too…" Lu giggled at the turian and winked at him.

"Get off me, Greene! What's gotten into you two?" Kreggs asked. "I hadn't heard from you all day, so I figured you were busy delivering all those packages. But Dr. Chazz here said he never even got his. The one that he was supposed to receive 18 HOURS AGO! And get off Lua, already, Verralan! We're fine!" The turian let go of Lu, still staying close by her.

"I'm sorry, boss," Greene began, his voice quivering slightly, "but we delivered that one huge package yesterday afternoon, that giant canister of whatever? Well, we got on the ship, and there was a live geth on it!" Lu gasped upon hearing this and immediately wrapped herself around Verralan again. Verralan rubbed her back to comfort her. "We just ditched the canister and cart and ran. Then we went and found a nice little hiding spot to buckle down in for the past day."

"And, of course, I bravely knocked out the evil geth myself. I wouldn't let it hurt any of the good people of the Citadel," Verralan cut in. Lu sighed, unwrapped herself from Verralan, and stared at him. Verralan gave a coy smile.

Kreggs ignored him, staring at Greene, not believing what he was hearing. "That sounds about as likely as an elcor successfully lying. Geth, please. Anyway, you said it was a giant canister you were delivering? Isn't that what you needed, doctor?"

Dr. Chazz looked at Greene. "It would have been very large, larger than any one of us. Labeled THZ. Was that it?"

"That was your ship? You had the geth? Terrorist! Call C-Sec!" Green grabbed Kreggs and started shaking him. Kreggs grabbed his arms and held them at his sides becoming very agitated.

"I'm scared, Verralan!" Lu cried, again embracing the turian.

"There, there, it's all right, I'll protect you from the big, bad geth," he responded.

Dr. Chazz shook his head vehemently. "No, no, I don't have a geth! I was saying I _didn't_ get it, and I was supposed to get it 18 hours ago!"

"Well, we delivered it," Greene said confidently. "To the Normandy at 2:00, like it said on the sheet."

"My ship isn't called the Normandy, it's called the Norma Dee. I named it after my wife."

"You delivered it to the wrong ship?" Kreggs asked, anger rising in his voice.

"Well, um..." Greene's face was turning red. "We accidentally… um… misplaced the delivery list, and I… forgot the actual name of the ship. I just remembered it was Norm… something, and it was supposed to be in berth 16. And there wasn't anyone in 16 at 2:00, but the Normandy was in berth 20, so I thought…" Kreggs rolled his eyes, staring at the ceiling.

Dr. Chazz furrowed his brow. "But I pulled the Norma Dee into berth 16 at 1:45 this morning, right on time for my delivery."

"Well, we were there at 2:00 yesterday afternoon. Wasn't that…" He stopped himself when he saw Kreggs put his face in his hands and shake it. Even Verralan seemed embarrassed now. He sighed and looked away from everyone else.

"Dr. Chazz, I am so, so sorry for this," Kreggs said, his eyes shut as he shook his head.

"What's wrong?" Greene asked.

"2:00 means 2:00 in the MORNING! 2:00 in the afternoon is 14:00, you idiot! That's how intergalactic time works!" Kreggs roared back. "You delivered the package 12 hours early to the wrong ship! And now it's gone, with no way to find it. You've made some kind of mess, Greene!"

"Hey, it's not all my fault! Verralan was there, too!"

"And didn't I give you the sheet of deliveries? That you lost? Put YOU in charge of knowing what the hell to do?" Kreggs asked. "I thought you were the smart one!" Verralan narrowed his eyes at hearing this. Lu rested her head on his shoulder. She sounded like she was purring. Kreggs didn't notice. "And, guess what, Greene? Because of your odd little geth mental breakdown, NOTHING got delivered in the past day! Which means I'm gonna have a hell of a time real soon explaining to people what exactly happened to their precious packages. They're considered 'missing' after 12 hours, and that means we can be forced to pay for them!" Kreggs removed his glasses, rubbing his eyes. "Enjoy the time you have left here, Greene. It may not be plentiful."

Greene saw everyone in the room staring at him, perfectly silent. Kreggs had a furious look on his face. Dr. Chazz looked distraught that he wouldn't get his package. "The krogan will be disappointed…" he muttered. Verralan had an indifferent look on his face with Lua completely wrapped around him like a boa constrictor. Greene looked to him for support, but Verralan only averted his eyes. Greene glared in response. "Oh, by the way, boss, I do think I am the smart one. Verralan is sleeping with Lua! And he has been for months!" Greene immediately turned back to Verralan to see what would happen.

Kreggs blinked a few times and slowly turned to stare at Verralan, his eyes enormous and his face showing no sign of emotion, noting how intimate Verralan and Lua looked at that moment. Verralan's eyes widened and he instantly pushed Lu away from him. She stumbled and fell onto the couch next to Dr. Chazz. Dr. Chazz immediately got the feeling that he was at the wrong place at the very wrong time. "Well, I suppose I'll just buy a new canister. I'll fill out the reimbursement paperwork… um… later… Nice meeting you all." He got up and burst through the door, running as quickly as his legs would take him. Greene quickly changed his mind about wanting to see what would unfold and followed him out, slamming the door behind him. Kreggs was still simply staring at Verralan as he left.

A well-dressed man cleared his throat and approached the docking bay office to see what happened to his package. He knocked on the door quickly, and a large krogan answered it. The krogan was panting and his hands had blue splotches on them. A quarian was shivering on a nearby couch and a turian was sitting on the floor. There seemed to be blue blood leaking from several of his orifices. His head bobbed back and forth as if he was knocked senseless. The man flinched back a foot and looked up to address the krogan, his voice audibly quivering heavily. "E-excuse me, sir, b-but I-I was missing a shipment of d-dishes, and…" The krogan interrupted him with a loud roar, sending Councilor Udina onto his backside. He quickly got up and ran away screaming. The krogan shut the door and turned to face the turian again, his hands reaching out to grab a nearby pair of pliers.

* * *

"Shepard, there is an abnormality in the air aboard the Normandy," EDI said.

"An abnormality? What?"

"There is a large concentration of THZ in the air. It is a compound widely used by dentists. It is much like your 'laughing gas,' only it is more useful in that it affects multiple species. It lowers inhibitions and often induces states of euphoria in those it affects."

"Well, that makes sense," Tali piped in. She was walking out of the engine room. "I just upgraded my suit's air scrubbers on the Citadel after the incident yesterday morning. And Legion doesn't breathe."

"And I've got a breather mask on…" Shepard said with a realization. "It's the gas that's making everyone crazy! But where'd it come from?"

"The source appears to be inside the hangar," EDI said. "I tried to alert you to the gas's presence when you returned this morning, but you absolutely refused to let me talk. The gas would take approximately 20 hours to completely diffuse throughout the ship, and it was delivered to the Normandy shortly after you left. The container that it arrived in was damaged and a breach formed, allowing the gas to escape all through yesterday and last night."

"Well, why didn't the air scrubbers get rid of it?"

"Legion placed a physical lock on the air scrubbers after they were repaired to avoid using them too soon. It has yet to be removed."

Shepard turned to Legion. "Legion? Well, can it be removed?"

Legion only stared. "… No data available. Information regarding this is in the damaged portion of our memory core and cannot be retrieved."

"Legion advised shutting them down for a day," EDI chimed in. "And they shut off yesterday evening, so enough time has certainly passed."

"The lock's in the hangar, right?" Shepard asked. EDI confirmed it. Shepard walked to the broken window and looked down. "Garrus? Can you hear me? I need you to unlock the air scrubbers." She saw Garrus lying on the pile of boxes. He was curled up on his side, fast asleep. Shepard couldn't help but smile at the sight. She turned to Legion. "Legion?" she asked.

Legion nodded and walked to the window and jumped. "Shepard-Commander, we have found the source of the THZ. A large gas canister is lying on its side. There is a hole in it. We will attempt to seal it."

Shepard saw sparks flying from Legion's hands and he soon called back. "The breach is sealed. It is quite intriguing…"

"What is it, Legion?"

"We believe that we may have caused the breach. There are three small streaks of silver near the opening that are made from a compound only currently used in the production of geth mobile platforms."

"Is that what made that dent in your head?" Shepard asked.

"It is quite possible. Now removing lock." Shepard heard a clinking noise from below, followed by a whirr of fans starting up. "The air scrubbers are working at optimal capacity. The gas should be fully purged in 3 hours 3 minutes 1 second.

Shepard smiled. "Good, I've had enough of this insanity. I'm going back to my room. "Oh, but first… EDI, where is Thane?"

"Mr. Krios is currently with Samara in the starboard observation deck."

Shepard shuddered. "And there's no one in my room, right?"

"Correct, Shepard."

"Legion, come with me. I'll need your help bringing some of my stuff back to my room. Legion nodded and followed her to the elevator.

Shepard and Legion had just finished placing everything back where it belonged. "Thank you, Legion. I don't know about you, but I can't wait for tomorrow to start."

"We await the next day quite impatiently as well, Shepard-Commander. We might then be able to return to the AI core when the medical bay is put back in order." Legion turned around and went to the elevator, taking it back down.

"Yeah, I've still gotta get Dr. Chakwas to look at my face." Shepard sighed. She'd almost forgotten about her face in all this mess. Well, I guess if all else fails, we could just do another Lazarus project. It would HAVE to be easier this time, right EDI?"

"I have no opinion on that, Shepard. Though I do not believe it is ever considered easy to revive the dead."

Shepard went to lie down in her bed. Amazingly, she thought she could actually get to sleep. The clock read 20:35. A LOT had happened in just two hours. But that reminded Shepard of something. "Oh, EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"You have all that surveillance footage from today, right? From every room?"

"Yes, Shepard."

"Send it all to my private terminal. And put a restriction on it so that only the permanent commanding officer may access it. Not even an acting commanding officer, especially Miranda," she added, knowing she would otherwise try to find a way around the restriction.

"Of course, Shepard."

Shepard smiled smugly. She never knew when footage like that would come in handy. She felt like the Shadow Broker, having secret videos of people for possible blackmailing purposes. _One of which was the Shadow Broker herself_, she reminded herself. She closed her eyes and gradually drifted to sleep, knowing that people would soon begin screaming across multiple decks at what they had been doing all day. Shepard would enjoy every minute of it.


End file.
